Dear Sage,

How do I get my team to accept my help?

I keep trying to support my team, yet when I offer ideas or guidance, they pull back. They say they want my help and coaching - but when I give it, the energy drops.

I want to help them grow, not hover. What might be going on?

— Trying to Be Helpful (Maybe Too Much)

Start by Seeing What’s Working

Many leaders feel pressure to do more for their people - more coaching, more feedback, more development. And yet, what’s often missing isn’t action. It’s appreciation.

When we rush to help, we sometimes miss what’s already working. The best leaders don’t just push their teams forward - they stop, look back, and recognize the distance already traveled.

Before asking what needs to improve, try asking:

“What’s been successful from your perspective?”
“Where have you grown most this year?”
“What’s working that you’d like to build on?”

These questions shift the focus from fixing to fueling. You learn what your people value, where they see momentum, and what they’re ready for next. It’s not about your agenda—it’s about theirs.

A Personal Story

A while back, one of our team members was struggling. They were working hard but not getting the kind of opportunities they wanted. The kind that would serve our clients and keep the business healthy.

I really identified with their challenge since I’d been in the same spot before. Trying to make progress, feeling like I had more to give, and not getting traction. I knew how frustrating that felt.

So I jumped in. I offered ideas, shared what had worked for me, and tried to smooth the path. I wanted to help them skip some of the pain I’d gone through. But instead of landing as support, my input created tension. Our conversation would skid to a halt until one of us changed the subject.

After a while I stopped offering ideas. I didn’t know what else to do. Then I heard a friend say, “Start by asking what’s working first. Then ask what they want to do next.” That hit me.

The next time we talked, I tried it. I asked, “What’s been working for you lately?”

The whole energy shifted. They leaned in. They talked about what was going well and what they wanted to grow next. I realized they didn’t need my roadmap. They needed space to own their progress.

Since then our conversations have been easier. More open. More real. And I’ve learned that help lands better when it starts with appreciation.

What Leaders Can Try

Pause before problem-solving. Begin your next meeting with, “What’s going well?” You’ll see strengths that have been hiding in plain sight.
Ask about growth. Invite individuals to name where they’ve seen progress this year. Reflection builds ownership.
Co-create what’s next. Instead of assigning goals, ask, “What would you like to continue or build on?” Shared authorship builds commitment.
Use two lenses. Appreciation fuels both organizational success and individual motivation—see both clearly.

What Really Helps People Grow

Appreciation doesn’t replace accountability - it strengthens it. When people feel seen for their progress, they’re more open to challenge. When they know you notice growth, they trust that your feedback comes from belief, not frustration.

Real help starts with seeing what’s already strong. It’s how leaders turn performance conversations into growth conversations - and how trust takes root over time.

If that’s what you want more of, let’s start a conversation about how appreciation can become a leadership practice that fuels both performance and trust.